An Existentialist Rambling

Existentialism has, quite frankly, brought me to the place I am now, writing this blog post two periods before it is due. As Mr. Heidkamp says, "Nothing matters! Why do you come to class? Everybody goes to college! Why do you go to college? To finally be able to do what you want? Guess what? Nope! Then you're like oh maybe at my job I can do what I want, but still, no....There's no point!" Those that know me well know that coming back from the most insane summer of my life, my take on life had completely changed. By the end of August, I fully embraced the "Nothing matters" mindset and let go of most inhibitions. This has both served me and hindered me. My brain is completely clear, very much free of any concern, which is beneficial, but on the other hand, I do not do my homework quite as I should. I draw a lot of parallels between this new me, free and successful in a social and spiritual aspect, and Meursault after he was forced to leave college and lost all motivation. Except it is significantly more problematic for me, as I have not yet applied to or gotten into college.

When our class had the lesson on existentialism, it was a pretty big day for me. I found myself agreeing with so much that was being discussed, and it was exciting. This was the only true way to live, and I had been trying to put it into words since I returned for the school year. But there were also many things I disagreed with, namely love being deemed a social construct. I would love to embrace a fully existentialist mindset, but I feel too strongly about too many things to completely detach myself. If I was truly an existentialist, I probably would not be doing this blog post at all. I doubt Meursault would do this blog post. 

Perhaps it will take me as long as it took Meursault to gain a fully cohesive perspective on life, instead of where I am now - "Nothing matters!!! (Except like getting okay grades and maintaining decent relationships and pursuing my interests!)" The clarity Meursault achieved in his grand realization before death is something I hope to experience, that crystal clear moment where everything makes sense. Until then, I will continue to ramble on about my contradictory thoughts and beliefs in last minute homework assignments.