Monday, March 5, 2018

America to Me--White Kids, It's Your Time to Shine! (original satire)

Big change is about to arrive at Oak Park and River Forest High School in the form of the documentary America to Me. Once it hits theaters in the form of an official release, the spotlight will be on us as both a school and a town. Still, we must remember how to address these sort of things properly. Here are some friendly reminders and general advice for how we should handle this, so listen up Huskies!

The first thing to remember is that this documentary is about you. Yes, you, the white person! You with the snapback in the corner of the screen who you can see throwing a grape at your friend Tyler if you really squint! Remember, the main purpose of this documentary is so that you can pause in the middle of whatever on-screen discussion is going on and point out the blurry image of yourself in the background. Think of it as Where's Waldo. There's no real substance or meaningful discussion, so disregard that. Before you watch, make sure you practice your timing so you can pause just as Amanda makes that totally weird face while some black person is talking about their grades to the camera. You could even throw a viewing party where everyone ignores the commentary while searching for funny shots of your friends. What a way to spark discussion and stay engaged!

Second, keep in mind the purpose the filmmakers had for creating this film. Was it to present a multifaceted view of the achievement gap and shed light on the race problem that is still concretely present even at schools that proclaim themselves to be diverse and forward-thinking such as our own? Pshaw! There is no important message that they're trying to send. Instead, the filmmakers wanted to shine light on a subject that isn't talked about as much as it should be, which is you, out of focus, walking with your friends in the hallway. They decided to film people of color talking about how culture and race plays a significant role in their education--but in the spirit of representation, they let the blurry white people in the background really steal the show!

Finally, try to stay humble amidst the fame you're going to get. Remember that time you saw the cameraman in the halls and you made some weird face hoping they cut it out when they went over the footage later? How about that time you and your buddy Blake did that one funny dance from Vine in the background while they were trying to respectfully interview someone with actual opinions about the education system that's been systematically designed to put them at a disadvantage? Well, this is it: they left it in and you've made it big! Celebrate your starring role by Snapchatting that blurry shot of someone who's probably you in the lunchroom with the caption "look at me im famous lol!" It's sure to be a hit! Even though the spotlight is entirely on you now, don't let it get to your head too much.

In short, remember to disregard any actual points the documentary is trying to present to you, and just sit back and have fun straining your eyes as you squint through every face in the hallway shots trying to find yourself while missing the point entirely. It's time for Huskies who are white to get ready for their big break!

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