This was a truly terrifying notion. Around this time, my aunt, who was the same age as my father, died of a terrible liver cancer. Therefore, this meant that I could lose my father anytime and consequentially, I could also die at any time.
I was transformed by this realization for the worst at first. I would have anxiety attacks, thinking about the endless black abyss that was going to overcome me too soon (there was no way I would be faithful to any religion from any early age).
However, it led me to embrace the idea that I could do whatever I want, usually in a self-serving way, because I was going to die no matter what. Kind of like YOLO, but You Will Die Regardless (YWDR). Not as catchy!
However, it led me to embrace the idea that I could do whatever I want, usually in a self-serving way, because I was going to die no matter what. Kind of like YOLO, but You Will Die Regardless (YWDR). Not as catchy!
Now, I have finally made it to high school, and I'm almost at college, just one stepping stone away from death, according to my middle school ideas. After hearing about existentialism in our class, I realized that I magically, prematurely subscribed to that exact school of thought.
Perhaps my slow but sure emergence as a radical subject had to do with the fact that I distanced myself from my peers quite young. I was "too tall," I was a "foreigner," I was eventually even "gay and un-dateable." I had realized that others sometimes alienated me, and I was having anxiety attacks because I would "die soon." Only one solution was available: I stop caring what the Others think and, therefore, I can do what I wish.
My constant struggle, however, is that the world around me is built for people unlike me. Therefore, I often end up subscribing to societal ideas because otherwise I am unable to do anything I would actually enjoy. How will I eat good food, for example, (a very basic human pleasure and one I highly prize), if I don't have money, which I would accomplish by getting a job, which I would accomplish by attending school? I must work in the constructed system!
If anyone can recommend a way to retract from the system completely but still accomplish such pleasures, please do tell me (:
Perhaps my slow but sure emergence as a radical subject had to do with the fact that I distanced myself from my peers quite young. I was "too tall," I was a "foreigner," I was eventually even "gay and un-dateable." I had realized that others sometimes alienated me, and I was having anxiety attacks because I would "die soon." Only one solution was available: I stop caring what the Others think and, therefore, I can do what I wish.
My constant struggle, however, is that the world around me is built for people unlike me. Therefore, I often end up subscribing to societal ideas because otherwise I am unable to do anything I would actually enjoy. How will I eat good food, for example, (a very basic human pleasure and one I highly prize), if I don't have money, which I would accomplish by getting a job, which I would accomplish by attending school? I must work in the constructed system!
If anyone can recommend a way to retract from the system completely but still accomplish such pleasures, please do tell me (:
I believe in our current day and age, the only thing we can do to avoid the system is to do what we want to do and avoid caring about what other people think. If the only reason we want to go to college is because it would be easier for us to find a career, then so be it- it is what we want to do and we should live based on our thinking. Or is my mind just too controlled by the system to even recognize it? I don't know. But the one thing we can control is doing what we want, so I believe that is our opportunity to avoid the system's grasps.
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